WARNING: Frank discussion of bodily waste.
When I was nine, I began to have crippling stomach aches. I would be curled up on the couch with my arms wrapped around my middle, and then I would rush to the bathroom before my bowels exploded. The doctor was no help, as the appointment brought a separate health issue to light, and they refused to focus on my initial problem. It wasn’t until I was fourteen that I finally saw a specialist, who diagnosed me with ulcerative colitis.
Ulcerative colitis is a gastrointestinal disease that (in my case) causes abdominal pain, diarrhea, anemia, fatigue, and an urgent need to defecate. The resulting low weight had the doctors asking me if I was bulimic (I wasn’t). Later, they told me that I was anorexic (anorexia is typically interpreted as being done on purpose in order to maintain a specific body image. I was simply underweight through no action of my own).
The relationship between my large appetite and my weight led to many friends telling me they wished they had this problem; I resented the people who said these things to me. I knew I was unhealthy, and saw no glory in my small figure. I found my friends’ fuller figures healthy and beautiful, and did not understand why they would want to be like me, with a body that is constantly on the attack. Even now, many people tell me that I am too thin. At just over 120 pounds, I am very happy with my current weight, and it took a lot of work to get me here.
For me, ulcerative colitis meant getting very, very comfortable with my body and what it did. I got used to looking at my stool to check my health; I got used to the strong smells that were worse than anything most people will ever have coming out of their bodies. I got used to the crippling, burning pain in my abdomen when I really had to go to the bathroom, because sometimes I just had to hold on and deal with it until a more convenient time. I’ve only had a few accidents in my experience, and I was lucky enough to be with my parents for two of those times, and once with my fiancé, who was at the time a very understanding and considerate boyfriend of a few months.
I am in a better place now. I take nine pills a day, until the pain subsides, and then I stop, because, frankly, it sucks to take nine pills a day. Eventually, the pains return, and I go refill the prescription. I have been in “remission” several times. For me, this means the pains are far less frequent, at times disappearing entirely. I haven’t had a normal bowel movement since I was nine, and I don’t expect I ever will again. But I’ve come to terms with this. I get a colonoscopy every few years, where I am told that I am inflamed but don’t have any ulcers yet.
It can be really hard sometimes, because this is not a topic people talk about. It is an alienating experience, thinking you are the only one out there with these issues. I’ve only met a handful of people who have mentioned having problems at all, and I have yet to meet someone actually willing to talk about their experiences. So, this is me talking about it, starting a conversation.
The reason I included this information on this blog is because of how it has affected my sex life. Sometimes, I have to stop in the middle of foreplay to run to the toilet. Sometimes, I will go months without using my butt plugs, because the “attacks” occur often enough that I have no idea how long I have to enjoy them. Until a few years ago, I didn’t think about anal insertion at all. When I started to cultivate an interest, I told myself it could never happen, that my intestinal tract was more sensitive to tearing and irritation than most, so I shouldn’t attempt it.
Eventually, I got the thinnest vibrating plug I could find (a horrible, oily, jelly thing that did not mention a lack of phthalates anywhere on the box, and that I threw out after a week) and tried it out. The sensation was really nice. The plug was small enough that it wasn’t uncomfortable, and the vibrations were exciting.
I don’t think I will ever be using dildos anally, or plugs larger than intermediate, but I am currently very happy with the small njoy Pure Plug and some Uberlube. I love how easy it is to clean the stainless steel, and that the smell never sticks around. I love that it has zero drag, unlike many silicone products.
When it comes to cleanliness, I have never douched, and don’t currently feel the need to, in spite of my experiences. When I look at my plugs after use, they are not especially filthy looking. As I stated previously, I am also very comfortable with my body and what it does, so a little excrement is not going to phase me. Besides, from what I can gather the butt is a cleaner place that most people give it credit for.
If you are interested in information about douching, check out this awesome article from The Big Gay Review.