The Butt Hurt Babe’s Beginner Guide to Butt Stuff

This guide is for beginners, and is especially geared towards those who, like me, love their butts, but also have to navigate the weird shit our bodies are going through.

Please note that all of these tips are pretty equally important, and therefore are not numbered, nor are they ordered by level of importance. 

I have Ulcerative Colitis. Basically, I have a chronic illness that means dealing with pain and gross shit. That said, I also love my butt. I like looking at it, I like grabbing it, digging my nails into the flesh, and sticking things into it.

So how do I navigate this tricky boundary? By being careful. Really careful. Some people jump right into butt stuff and they’re fine, but I need to and enjoy taking my time to really know where my body’s boundary lies on any particular day. So, here’s a guide to getting comfortable and getting to know your butt.

LUBE. ALL THE LUBE.

I looove silicone lube for butt things. Many people don’t like silicone because it’s too oily, because it’s not natural, because it can stain some things and make your floors slippery. But if you’re willing to sacrifice a towel, the stains won’t be a problem.

As for your lubey hands, it’s nothing soap won’t fix. The problem with water-based lube is that it dries up. Maybe not quickly, maybe not with all toys. But when I first started butt stuff, I wasn’t taking any chances. Silicone has a higher price tag than water-based, but you’ll end up using a lot less of it, because a little goes a really long way. If you absolutely have to use water-based, I suggest Sliquid Organics Natural Gel, because it’s super thick, and provides cushion for the pushin’.

Cleaning the Staging Area

I don’t use enemas. Outside of medical need, I never have. The first couple inches of the butt don’t have a lot of fecal matter. If they did, then you would be headed off to the bathroom right now, because those last inches are where your body says, “Hey! Empty me!” Also, bodily fluids don’t phase me. If cleaning yourself out is something you really feel the need to do, check out this awesome guide here.

Wash Up!

Clean hands are so, so important when exploring your body, especially the genitals, which have self-regulating fauna and flora. You don’t want to mix holes, and you don’t want to have to think about the office doorknob hanging out in your genitalia.

Size Matters

I’ve known many who have gone straight into butt sex with a little warm up and not too many issues. But me, I am terrified of injuring myself. So when I started exploring my butt, I started with my fingers. I have skinny fingers. If you don’t, then your pinky is probably your best bet. At the end of this post are some suggestions for beginner-friendly butt toys.

Consider the sensation you’re looking for. Plugs give a sensation of fullness, and just kind of hang out. Plugs, for me, are just that little bit extra that can push me over the edge. Dildos, on the other hand, fill you up far more than a plug, and are better suited for a fucking sensation (also, you may need both hands). Vibrators can add great sensation to the experience, whether in plugs or dildos. Anal beads are, for me, the ideal way of finding what you’re comfortable with. Not only can you find out how far in you are willing to go, they also offer variety in thickness, so you can work your way up using just one toy.

Some stainless steel and silicone products come in very, very beginner butt sizes. Stainless steel is pricey, but it’s one of my favorite materials, and completely and totally worth it in my opinion. It will last forever, it will not hold onto butt smells, and you get to use silicone lube. Silicone lube shouldn’t be used with silicone toys since it could possibly ruin them if you have the wrong toy and the wrong lube. Stainless steel and glass won’t have this issue.

Glass only comes in sizes that I would consider to be for people more comfortable with butt play. The smallest glass plugs I have seen are not ones I am comfortable using yet. Another important factor in considering size is the difference between the size of the plug and the size of the stopper.

Make sure there is a kind of handle or stopper on the plug. It absolutely must be the widest part of the toy. Not just a little bigger, but quite a bit bigger. There needs to be a bigger size difference between the stem and the stopper than there is between the base of your palm and your wrist. I cannot emphasize this enough. The stopper keeps your butt from being an asshole and sucking up the toy.

If this happens to you, go to the emergency room. Do not waste time looking up ways to get it out. Do not call a sex shop to ask if they have butt-plug-retrieving tools (I have gotten this very phone call on one of my shifts). Go to the emergency room. The doctor has seen this a thousand times before. 

Materials

Silicone toys have enormous variation in texture. Fun Factory is known for their thick, almost grainy silicones that go through water-based lube like it’s nothing. Tantus has a more plastic-textured silicone, and some other companies may have soft or grabby silicones. Unless you are familiar with the company’s work, you don’t know what you’re going to get. This is a great time to go into your local sex shop and just take a look at the materials different company’s use. Most sex shops will have testers of some kind (not testers for your genitals, testers for your hands. Sex shop workers don’t find that joke funny).

Stainless steel and glass take out all of that guesswork in these days of online shopping. They both provide smooth sensations (with the exception of glass molded into funky shapes or studs, or stainless steel anal beads). I love the aspect of playing with weight as well. Picking up a stainless steel toy, your initial thought may be, “This will fall out of my ass immediately.” But, I assure you, with the proper shape, it will stay put. I highly, highly recommend njoy (check out my product recommendations at the end of this guide!). Glass, on the other hand, is light and easy to handle, while some stainless steel requires patience, practice and strong wrists (butt plugs are typically fine, it’s the dildos that get exhausting to use).

Arousal

Butt stuff is way easier if you are relaxed, and arousal can help you get there. More than just a physical relaxation, butt muscles also require mental relaxation. A little warm-up is always a great idea, and will help you know whether this is the right time (more on the ‘right time’ in Know Your Body, below).

This is where foreplay is really useful. In spite of what I hear from many, FOREPLAY. IS. IMPORTANT. Your body is not automatically ready for things just because your mind is, and vice versa.

Trust

I’ve done all my butt exploration on my own. My current partner is absolutely not comfortable with butt things. A previous partner would gladly have stuffed me, but his dick was way more that I was comfortable with, and I didn’t trust him to be gentle and explore on my terms.

This leaves me on my own, but I think it’s been for the better. I am completely prepared for anything that may come up (or out), I know how my body is feeling that day and time, I know how far I am comfortable going, and I know what toy I’m prepared to use. I am not self-conscious at all, since I am with myself, and have no one else I need to be accountable for.

Protect Yourself

Grab some gloves (latex or nitrile, no powders, shop around for something that works for you) and LUBE. ALL THE LUBE. This will ensure that, once again, the office doorknob stays at the office. Also, you don’t want to end up questioning what, exactly, that gunk under your fingernails is.

Know Your Body

I’ve seen bloggers post about how they can use butt toys today because they just had a good poop. I don’t have the luxury of having a ‘good poop.’ If I have a bad, painful time in the bathroom at the beginning of the day, I can pretty much promise you that I’ll end the day like that as well. Even if I’m not in pain, if it’s just a feeling of an abdominal puffiness, or I feel stressed or anxious about anything, then today is not the day.

My butt has ‘days.’ Some days, my butt lets me know that it can’t deal with the world today, that it just wants to stay home in the comfort of its own bathroom. Other days, my butt is feeling really great about itself. It decides that it’s a great day to get up and about. Listen to your body, and don’t push it if it doesn’t feel like today is your day.

You Guide to Toys

Screen Shot 2018-07-28 at 1.51.16 AM.png
From top left to bottom right: b-vibe Snug Plug 1, b-vibe Novice (vibrating), njoy Fun Wand (double-ended), njoy Pure Plug Small, VēDO Quaker (vibrating)

Not Featured Above, Because I Don’t Own Them, But They Seem Like A Good Idea:

Tantus Little Flirt

Tantus Perfect Plug

Fun Factory Booty Small

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